Boundaries Are Essential!

How I Missed the Opportunity for a Deep and Meaningful Connection.

In DRIVEN’s recent blog articles, we invited you to explore potential challenges and roadblocks to creating your own boundaries. If you read last month’s post, you may have picked up a couple of tools, tactics and words that can be leveraged when somebody crosses your boundaries.

Now it’s time to get courageous! You see, last month’s article was prescriptive: it can be used as a ‘checklist’ of tactics to consider and practice. And yet, it stopped short of mentioning a common reason our boundaries are crossed.

The courageous part comes with looking in the mirror and asking yourself an honest question. Specifically, “What could have been your role in a boundary breach?”

You know the old adage: “When you point a finger at someone, there are three fingers pointing back at you.” In hindsight, we can admit that the miscommunication of our boundaries, or simply not communicating them clearly enough, has frequently contributed to the damage.

That’s just what happened to me, in a situation that started off as an opportunity for a fun and festive getaway with some folks I’ve known for a long time. The “Florida Fiasco” ended with me having a doozy of an amygdala hijack. Instead of frolicking in Florida, I spent that weekend at home trying to recover emotionally from a perceived insult, a disregard for my efforts, and the crossing my boundaries.

From a Growth Mindset perspective, thankfully, all was not lost! This incident has become a reminder for me to not only have more transparent communications with the group, but to also recognize how I can do a better job articulating my boundaries.

Over that weekend, I began processing my emotional imbalance with the four tips listed in the aforementioned August blog article. I started by acknowledging my feelings, and continuing to dig into the part of me that was triggered. I was practicing in new territory rooted in my self-study of Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Shadow Work. (Did you know there are many ‘parts’ of each of us that are storage spaces for unhealed traumas?)

So, as I acknowledged my feelings of frustration, betrayal, and anger, I was able to follow Dick Schwartz’s advice. Schwartz, the father of IFS, advocates for accessing and healing our protective and wounded inner parts. As I journaled, I found myself seeing these suffering parts with compassion.

This self-compassion was essential. What a gift, after working on this counterintuitive kindness for literally years! I took many baths that weekend, allowing myself to feel sad, staying with the exhaustion the emotional blow brought. I continued to lovingly recognize that I was taking care of myself, so I’d be better able to speak up for myself in the future.

As I reflected, it was easy with the distance of both time and space to see what happened from other perspectives. In fact, I hadn’t clearly articulated my boundaries! And there are three contributing factors that I will adjust in order to more clearly communicate going forward:

1. As a group, we failed to define a ‘point person’ for this getaway. There was no structure to the communication, aspirations, or logistics. (As much as I don’t want to admit it, I’m not very good at ‘going with the flow’.)

2. We communicated primarily by inconsistent email and text. So in between communications, I continued to make plans, offer suggestions, and create stories in my own head about what was going to happen. I was the queen of scaling the Ladder of Conclusions! Going forward, we can have conversations at several junctures while planning getaways.

3. Being a ‘people pleaser’, I wasn’t clear in articulating how my lifestyle had changed. You see, some boundaries are forever changing internally, depending on circumstance. (We set ourselves up for failure when we don’t consider that people are perpetually changing.) This is why long ago I adopted the practice of ALWAYS asking my dinner guests to remind me of any dietary restrictions, allergies and aversions they may have, so my menu can reflect their current ‘boundaries’ as opposed to my relying on their past realities.

These humbling recognitions led to an opportunity to practice compassion during some awkward conversations after the weekend getaway that I never attended. As I listened to the others involved, I could understand their outlook. I was able to stay calm and composed. I was also able to share my intention to take this unfortunate incident as a great turning point in our relationship and communications.

The greatest lesson from this boundary breach is that I did not protect myself and articulate my boundaries clearly enough, frequently enough, and with enough emphasis on the principles that were important to me. And this realization, now that I’ve done the work of addressing what was under the emotions, and healing some of those old wounds, will allow me more freedom to exercise my agency in the future.

So, I’m curious about how you can apply my painful learnings, so you don’t fall into the same traps that I did. I invite you to consider a couple of key relationships where you feel your boundaries are not respected. Visualize what they could become if your boundaries were heard and valued. Ask yourself:

1. What would be most important to convey?

2. Why are these boundaries important to me?

3. How do I articulate them now?

4. How can I do better going forward?

5. What would I add to the list of contributing factors to crossing my boundaries?

Since the Wisdom of the Crowd is exponentially more generative than one person’s perspective, your contribution will be greatly appreciated and valued in the DRIVEN Community.

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