Self-Respect & Empowerment Begin with You.
Your Guide to Handling Boundary Violations with Grace and Strength.
In last month’s DRIVEN blog article, we considered the importance of, and roadblocks to, setting boundaries. Today, let’s ponder what happens when those boundaries are violated and how you can address these inevitable situations gracefully and assertively.
Understanding Crossed Boundaries
Personally, when my boundaries have been crossed, I’ve felt suffocated, cornered, trapped, angry, frustrated and helpless. This is especially true with people who don’t take no for an answer and those who, in my opinion, don’t respect others’ confidentiality.
It’s important to address these situations directly and assertively. At the same time, it’s critical to remember that often, people cross boundaries unintentionally. After all, we all have blind spots. And the lens through which you see the world is unique to you. Each of us is the movie star of our own life.
The Emotional Impact of Boundary Violations
Experiencing boundary violations can lead to a drain of emotional energy. I bet you can remember instances when you’ve felt frustrated, a sense of resentment, and even self-doubt. I don’t know about you, but these sentiments can leave me exhausted! It’s an act of self-love to acknowledge these emotions and understand that they are valid responses to having your personal space and autonomy disrespected.
Here are four steps that may help you process these emotions:
Acknowledge Your Feelings: Give yourself permission to feel upset or angry. These emotions are natural responses to boundary violations.
Reflect on the Situation: Consider what happened and why it upset you. Understanding the specifics can help you communicate your boundaries more effectively in the future. Journaling often reveals hidden frustrations as your hand informs your brain of micro-insults to your boundaries.
Seek Support: Talk to a trusted friend or mentor about the situation. Getting an outside perspective can help you see things more clearly and feel more supported.
Practice Self-Compassion: Remind yourself that setting boundaries is a skill that takes time to develop. Be kind to yourself and recognize your efforts to protect your well-being.
Dealing with Boundary Violations
Let’s now explore five common violation scenarios and how you may consider handling them:
Others Not Taking “No” for an Answer: It’s tough to stay firm when someone pushes your boundaries, especially if they hold more authority. Practice assertiveness in safe environments, like with a trusted friend or mentor, to build your confidence. When the moment comes, use "I" statements to express your needs clearly (e.g., "I feel overwhelmed and need to focus on my current tasks.") If someone insists, try the "broken record" technique. Calmly repeat your boundary without getting drawn into lengthy explanations. Another approach could be to ask a question to break out of the positional cycle (e.g., “I’m curious to understand why this is so important to you.”)
Confidentiality Breaches: Approach the person privately and express how their actions affected you. You might start by saying, “I know this may be an awkward conversation.” This primes their brain subconsciously. Use specific examples to illustrate the importance of trust and confidentiality in your relationship. You might say, "When you shared what I told you in confidence, it made me feel exposed. I’m not suggesting that you did this maliciously. So, let’s take this opportunity to discuss what’s acceptable going forward.”
People Pleasing: Notice when you’re saying “Yes” out of guilt or obligation. Reflect on your motivations and remind yourself that prioritizing your needs is healthy and necessary. It’s okay to disappoint others sometimes; you’re not responsible for their feelings. Plus, when you say “no” judicially and with practiced grace, you’re able to show up fully to the experiences that you’ve deemed important to you. Practice saying “no” in low-stakes situations to build your confidence.
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out): I know this is a tough one to manage because it’s internal. Prioritize activities that align with your values and bring you joy, rather than trying to do everything. Ask yourself if you’re genuinely interested or if you’re just afraid of missing out.
Reacting Rather Than Responding: In moments of stress, we often react impulsively instead of responding thoughtfully. Take a deep breath and give yourself a moment to think before you respond. If you need more time, it’s okay to say, "Let me think about this and get back to you." A favorite response of mine that goes back to my restaurant days is, “Let me sleep on it”.
Reasserting Your Boundaries
Once you’ve processed your emotions, it’s time to reassert your boundaries. Here are five ways to do it effectively:
Be Clear and Direct: As Brene Brown says, “Clear is Kind”. Use specific examples to illustrate your point.
Stay Calm and Composed: This may mean waiting until you feel a greater sense of emotional equilibrium. Prime yourself for this courageous conversation with a mediation, a breathing exercise, a walk, or something that inspires a D.O.S.E. of happy hormones before engaging in this conversation.
Embody an Empowered Persona: Yes, the conversation may be challenging. Reframe this stretch out of your comfort zone as taking the steps to protect yourself. Before the conversation, visualize how you’ll feel after you’ve staked your boundaries.
Set Consequences: If necessary, set clear consequences for repeated boundary violations. For example, you might say, "If this happens again, I’m sure you will be able to understand why I will need to distance myself from this situation."
Follow Through: Consistency is key. If you set consequences, be prepared to follow through with them. This reinforces the importance of your boundaries. I find that humor can be helpful here.
The Journey Ahead
Handling boundary breeches can be challenging. It is our perpetual work, as we negotiate and create our living history. As this continually needed muscle is used, maintaining your boundaries will become less emotionally jarring and will even morph into a feeling of power and confidence. Each step you take toward honoring your boundaries is a step toward greater self-respect and empowerment.
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