Rise Up from Your Social Slump.
Embracing Community Through Small Changes.
The paradox of our time is that it’s easier than ever to feel isolated despite being perpetually connected. Like some of my clients, you may find yourself scrolling through social media and interacting with countless individuals online, yet find yourself struggling to connect with those in your immediate surroundings.
Community, once a cornerstone of our existence, seems elusive amidst the swift pacing of contemporary life. “Who has time to connect?” is an excuse to engage more deeply with your smartphone as opposed to finding authentic human connections. However, what if the barrier to building community isn’t external, but rather internal? Perhaps it’s our own habits and mindsets that prevent us from forging meaningful connections.
In last month’s article, I shared a perspective about three levels of community: our chosen family (tribe), our network colleagues, and those with whom we have everyday interactions. I offered questions to ask yourself as a means to attract deeper relationships within these various cubicles of communal intimacy. And thanks to my experience with coaching courageous clients, I sense that some who read these innocuous questions felt exhausted, nervous, or straight-up shut down.
The following are some of the stories clients tell themselves (and me) about why they “can’t” become involved in community:
1. They believe they already have a community—on social media: In the midst of Covid lockdowns, social media served as a lifeline, offering a semblance of connection. It’s now four years out, and many of us have convinced ourselves that our social media networks constitute genuine community. But herein lies a paradox. Social media platforms encourage us to present a carefully curated version of ourselves, fostering a skewed perception of reality. As we scroll through our feeds, we're bombarded with a spectrum of emotions—from elation to envy to the insidious fear of missing out (FOMO). In this digital landscape, it's easy to lose sight of our genuine selves amidst the façade of perfection.
2. They've lost a sense of self: Our identities have become entangled in the one-dimensional glimpses into others' lives offered by social media. Coupled with the relentless barrage of marketing messages, we find ourselves grappling with a profound sense of confusion about our own values and priorities. The distinction between intrinsic fulfillment and the external trappings of happiness blurs as we measure our worth against others’ carefully crafted images. Our sense of self becomes obscured, overshadowed by the constant comparison to idealized versions of human lifestyles.
3. Their imposters and inner critics get in the way: Even when we intellectually understand what's best for us, our inner dialogue often undermines our confidence and self-worth. The relentless chatter of the inner critic whispers tales of inadequacy and unworthiness, perpetuating a cycle of self-doubt. This sentiment is echoed in the apprehension felt when faced with social gatherings like networking events—a fear that our own contributions pale in comparison to the perceived achievements of others. We're plagued by the notion that everyone else is more qualified, more captivating, more accomplished—a belief that stifles our willingness to engage authentically with our community.
4. They distrust others: Trust is the bedrock of connection, yet many of us carry wounds that make it hard to open ourselves up. Past emotional injuries and fears of judgment or rejection linger, casting shadows over our interactions. Low self-esteem can magnify these doubts, leaving us hesitant to let others in. Thus, we've learned to tread cautiously. It's not just a matter of guarding our hearts; it's about protecting our spirits. But in our caution, we may inadvertently isolate ourselves, yearning for connection yet afraid to reach out.
Do these barriers strike a chord? If so, you’re in good company. We’ve all been there to some degree. It is in this spirit that I offer six suggestions to assist you in overcoming these surmountable obstacles:
1. Embrace Self-Compassion: Combat the inner critic by practicing compassion within. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, especially when you feel inadequate or unworthy. Remind yourself that everyone has insecurities and struggles, and that it’s okay to be imperfect.
2. Reframe Your Perspective: Instead of comparing yourself to others on social media, be reminded that what people share is often a curated version of reality. Challenge yourself to focus on your own values, interests, and accomplishments, rather than seeking validation from external sources.
3. Focus on Contribution: Shift your focus from what you can gain from social interactions to what you can contribute. Instead of worrying about not having anything to share, consider how your unique perspective, experiences, and skills can enrich conversations and interactions within your community.
4. Manage Stress and Overwhelm: By prioritizing self-care practices, you can learn to regulate the stresses that seem to creep in from all directions. Whether it’s mindfulness meditation, exercise, or spending time in nature, discover some activities that help you relax and recharge. By reining in overwhelm, you’ll be better equipped to engage with others and build meaningful connections.
5. Build Trust Gradually: Recognize that creating trust takes time and patience. Start by cultivating trust within yourself, then gradually extend that trust to others. Take small risks in opening up to trusted individuals and observe how they respond. As you experience positive interactions, your trust in others will naturally grow.
6. Take Baby Steps Toward Socializing: If being social feels overwhelming, start small. Set manageable goals, such as reaching out to a friend for coffee. Remember that it’s okay to take breaks and recharge when needed, but also challenge yourself to step outside your comfort zone occasionally.
By gently pushing yourself in these ways, you can break free from the barriers that hinder your ability to connect with others. Remember that building community is a journey, and each small step you take brings you closer to experiencing the richness and fulfillment of meaningful connections.
If your next inquiry is, “How do I find community?”, mark your calendar for Tuesday, April 2nd, when I’ll post some ideas about finding, creating and contributing to community.
Is Coaching for you? Are you ready for it? Sign up HERE for a 15-minute Complimentary Coaching Consult to find out.